Which would you choose?

If you had the choice would you choose the monotone life or the life that has it's ups and downs? The monotone life is the life that is just flat...no highs, no lows, just even. Even though I feel I am in a down right at this moment, I would still choose the crazy, roller coaster ride life. My mantra right now is "this too shall pass". I don't know how many times I have said it in the last hour, the last day, the last month...Yes, someone is having a case of the mondays!
The ex told me that I am ruining his life by leaving him. Who knew that I had that much power? To actually ruin someone's life! I feel really bad that he feels that way, and I wish that I could help him in some way. I just know that I can't stay married to him and keep my sanity. Is that selfish? I wouldn't think so. Who says divorce has to be a negative? We had 15 years together...that is a long relationship. Did I want it to be forever? YES. Am I sad that it isn't? YES. At the same time, we had a good run. He is a great person and I know there is someone out there for him that is a better fit than I was. He is just hurting and can't see that right now. Even if he or I don't find anyone else, that is no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I am choosing to see my divorce as a rebirth, a new chapter, a step in the right direction....
I got a speeding ticket this morning. Going 71 in a 55. I really had no idea what the speed limit was or how fast I was going until I saw the cop. I speed all the time, so it really probably was my time to get a ticket. I was traveling to our wine warehouse outside of College Station, Texas. When I got to the warehouse...I just helped make my sister madder. It was a very stressful day and my sister was having a hard time. I probably didn't help that situation. Sylvia called me this evening and said that she can't go to Hawaii with me. She was still holding out hope that she could go. Her life sucks right now too. She really needs the trip and it makes me sad that she can't come. Then, my parents got here. We are having training in Dallas the next two days. Rolling out a new ordering system and everyone is getting a laptop. I already had mine. My step dad asked me for it, because he needed to load some stuff on it for the new system. I have programs and stuff on my laptop that aren't work related. He wiped it all off and said that I would get fired if I put any of it back on there or used the computer for anything but work. I am so sad, mad, frustrated right now. It is so hard to work for family. After my step dad yelled at me I started to cry. I went up to my room (because I am staying with my mom and step dad tonight) and my mom heard me. I totally didn't want to get her involved. She always gets put in the middle. But, where do you go when you have problems at work and you can't talk to your family about it, because they are the problem! I feel like I have no support here, even though I know that isn't true. My sister mentioned something about getting another job today...I may have to do the same thing. I just hate doing that, because I know my step dad would take it personally. I don't want to hurt him...but at the same time, I have to think of myself. I am really just learning how to do that. I usually shelve a lot of my feelings because I don't want to hurt someone or add to their burden. I am learning that sometimes you don't have a choice....if you don't, you can and will loose yourself in the process. That is what happened in my marriage. I am just now discovering myself again and learning who I am again. There is a great person in there...she just got lost somewhere along the way.