Sometimes a good cry is all you need!

It's all good! I feel so much better now...writing about my feelings and crying. It was cathartic. I know I have so many positives and blessings in my life. That is what I need to focus on. And, I am leaving for Hawaii in 2 days!!!! How can you be sad with that looming in your future??? Of course, I have a killer headache this morning. Don't know if that is from yesterday or just my allergies/sinus issues.
Oh, and today is Lily's birthday. If you see her, tell her Happy Birthday! LOL!

Which would you choose?

If you had the choice would you choose the monotone life or the life that has it's ups and downs? The monotone life is the life that is just flat...no highs, no lows, just even. Even though I feel I am in a down right at this moment, I would still choose the crazy, roller coaster ride life. My mantra right now is "this too shall pass". I don't know how many times I have said it in the last hour, the last day, the last month...Yes, someone is having a case of the mondays!
The ex told me that I am ruining his life by leaving him. Who knew that I had that much power? To actually ruin someone's life! I feel really bad that he feels that way, and I wish that I could help him in some way. I just know that I can't stay married to him and keep my sanity. Is that selfish? I wouldn't think so. Who says divorce has to be a negative? We had 15 years together...that is a long relationship. Did I want it to be forever? YES. Am I sad that it isn't? YES. At the same time, we had a good run. He is a great person and I know there is someone out there for him that is a better fit than I was. He is just hurting and can't see that right now. Even if he or I don't find anyone else, that is no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I am choosing to see my divorce as a rebirth, a new chapter, a step in the right direction....
I got a speeding ticket this morning. Going 71 in a 55. I really had no idea what the speed limit was or how fast I was going until I saw the cop. I speed all the time, so it really probably was my time to get a ticket. I was traveling to our wine warehouse outside of College Station, Texas. When I got to the warehouse...I just helped make my sister madder. It was a very stressful day and my sister was having a hard time. I probably didn't help that situation. Sylvia called me this evening and said that she can't go to Hawaii with me. She was still holding out hope that she could go. Her life sucks right now too. She really needs the trip and it makes me sad that she can't come. Then, my parents got here. We are having training in Dallas the next two days. Rolling out a new ordering system and everyone is getting a laptop. I already had mine. My step dad asked me for it, because he needed to load some stuff on it for the new system. I have programs and stuff on my laptop that aren't work related. He wiped it all off and said that I would get fired if I put any of it back on there or used the computer for anything but work. I am so sad, mad, frustrated right now. It is so hard to work for family. After my step dad yelled at me I started to cry. I went up to my room (because I am staying with my mom and step dad tonight) and my mom heard me. I totally didn't want to get her involved. She always gets put in the middle. But, where do you go when you have problems at work and you can't talk to your family about it, because they are the problem! I feel like I have no support here, even though I know that isn't true. My sister mentioned something about getting another job today...I may have to do the same thing. I just hate doing that, because I know my step dad would take it personally. I don't want to hurt him...but at the same time, I have to think of myself. I am really just learning how to do that. I usually shelve a lot of my feelings because I don't want to hurt someone or add to their burden. I am learning that sometimes you don't have a choice....if you don't, you can and will loose yourself in the process. That is what happened in my marriage. I am just now discovering myself again and learning who I am again. There is a great person in there...she just got lost somewhere along the way.

This is the cutest darn thing I have seen in a long time!

I got directed to photobucket tonight and this was on their homepage. Damn, that is so cute!!! Makes me laugh just looking at it. People can be so funny with their animals. Just ask my sister about her dog, Sugar....on second thought, don't. That dog is a mess and the stories are endless!!

Tonight I packed for Hawaii. I got all my stuff laid out and started trying to fit it in my suitcase. I called my sis and said I couldn't fit everything. She forced me to use my common sense and get rid of some stuff. I am still probably taking too much, but it is much better. I mean, really, it is Hawaii! I was told all I needed was a toothbrush and bathing suit. I am taking just a bit more than that. I am sure my roomies don't want me in the same bathing suit 24/7 for 5 or 6 days. When I was younger, that probably would have been it...now I have to bring the sunscreen, allergy meds, lotion, band-aids, dental floss, tums, etc. I feel like my aunt. She always carries a pretty big purse that weighs about 50 pounds. But, if you get into a bind and need something....chances are she has it in her purse.....headache meds, nail files, gum, kleenex, shoestring, you name it....my aunt probably has it in her purse. Love to travel with her. Always prepared!!! My sister is getting to be the same way. When I carry a purse, it is usually just big enough for my cell phone, chapstick, and tampon (or so my sister says). My sister will have tweezers, lotion, toothpicks, gum, nail clippers, you name it. She is more like my aunt (my mom's sister) and I am more like my mom. My sister probably got the better end of the deal, but don't tell my mom that! LOL!

Today

So, I got my hair cut and colored today. I really have meant to take pictures of all my "hairdos" and "hair don'ts". I change my hair a lot. Especially the color. I think I have A.D.D. where my hair is concerned. I can't keep it the same for very long. This has led to some interesting styles. This is just for fun. I have had pink in my hair once before. Biggest drawback is that it fades fast. Everyone made comments today about it matching my glasses. That wasn't on purpose, pink is just one of my very favorite colors. I am not a girly girl, but I kind of am. I like pink, but not light pink....I like hard pink! LOL! I have included the second picture, because it just cracks me up...see how nice and in focus my camera is?? Yeah, I have no photography skills. I like the picture anyway....I like that I am blurry. What else did I do today....oh, I went to Barnes and Noble to get the new Harry Potter book. OMG! The line! I feel sorry for people who weren't there to buy HP. They had to wait through that line. I wasn't going to buy it today, but I had time this morning and was right by the book store. Plus, I have two 8 hour plane trips coming up. I am going to need some reading material. I also got bit by the donkey. I only had one carrot to feed him this morning. I think he got pissed. The donkey usually lets me pet him, but sometimes he can be skittish. So, I try to be gentle and let him smell me...doesn't that usually work with animals?? My sister said he might have thought my arm was a big carrot. I just think he was ticked that I only had one. He bit my arm, and it hurt! He has some big freakin' teeth!! This evening I went to watch some shows about Hawaii and to figure out the trip. Too many things to do and not enough time or money!! We have a good vibe and motto going for our trip....whatever we do will be the right thing to do. If we do anything or nothing on the list, we are doing okay - we are in Hawaii! Plus, the girls I am going with don't have to do everything together. I like that. I want some freedom in my trip and don't want to feel that I have to be at a certain place at any given time. I can't wait. My face is breaking out because I am anxious about the wait. I want it to be Thursday already. How am I going to stand the next couple of days?? I think I am going to be walking around like I have ants in my pants!

It is 4 am and I can't sleep

I have too many things on my mind. UGH! I am excited and nervous about my upcoming trip to Hawaii. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me! I feel like I have so much stuff to do before I leave and not enough time. My step dad surprised me and my sister today. My sister works in the office with my mom and step dad, while I am out in the field. My step dad gets packages in the mail all the time...mostly bullets, but that is another story! LOL. He also is a bit of a photographer, so he is always getting camera stuff. Today he got a package and opened it at my sister's desk. He pulled out a camera and said to my sister"dang, they sent me the wrong one. Oh well, do you want it?" He then pulled out another camera from the box and said "dang, they sent me two. Do you think Nikki will want one??". He was just joking...he ordered them for us. We each got a digital Nikon SLR d40x. I already have a digital Nikon SLR D100 that he let me borrow. Now I have a brand new Nikon. He also got us 2 gig cards. How many pictures will that hold?? I hope enough for Hawaii! Of course I almost hate to take it to Hawaii, what if something happens to it?? This is a $1000 camera. That would be just my luck. See why I am up so late?? It is stuff like this that I am contemplating! Why can't I just enjoy the moment! LOL!
I also have a movie I saw recently on my mind. Stacy has been bugging me to watch "Up Syndrome" for a while. I haven't wanted to watch it, because I know I will cry. She finally talked me into it...we watched it the other night. Stacy's cousin Justin is an actor and a film maker. His film production partner is Duane. This movie is about a life long friend of Duane's named Rene. Rene has down syndrome. Duane starts the movie out by saying something like...."Rene lived down the street from me when I was growing up. My mom said he had something called Down Syndrome. I never understood what he had to be down about. He looked like he was always having fun.". It was such a great movie and such a good look at Rene's life. Duane has always been interested in film making. He followed Rene around with a camera for years. The film really centers around his life at age 23....I think he is about 30 now. It was awesome to see Rene take such delight in things we take for granted on a daily basis. The point in the movie that I started crying....Duane let Rene drive his car. It was awesome! Rene got such joy out of it and felt like a "normal" person. Rene also made comments about being called baby, or honey, or cutie...he hated those terms. He isn't a baby and didn't want to be belittled. That really struck me....how people did treat him like a little kid, and he knew it. The movie just gave me pause and made me think. We take so many things for granted and treat people so horribly when they are different from us. There were many life lessons in that one movie. I am glad Stacy made me watch it, even though I did cry. That was okay....I learned something and I laughed a lot too!

Playing with paper - I actually did it today!!!

I actually made something today. I can't believe it. My sister had these pictures this weekend. She scanned them and we printed out copies. I have no idea of the year. My mom might. Might be 1974 or 1975. My sister, Kim, is on the left and I am on the right. They, they being my aunt and mom, always dressed us alike. We are 3 years apart, but I think that is what you did in the 70's! People still think we are twins - even though we really don't look alike. Even back then we didn't look alike. What happened to all that blond hair?? I have no idea. We were so dang cute!!

South Austin: We're all here, because we're not all there!

That is the motto of South Austin. I love So. Austin. Last night we went to Freddie's. We went there because Stacy, and now Stephanie, can bring their dogs. Stephanie got a dog, which is a whole other story...she hates dogs. Jennifer - one of Stacy's friends also went with us. She is the one with the Messiah as the roommate. Anyhoo, Freddie's is a restaurant/bar with a great outdoor seating area. They have a stage and will have live music on occasion. All the wait staff at Freddie's wear Freddie t-shirts with funny saying on the back, like "Good looking beer and ice cold waitresses", "Free Beer Tomorrow", etc. Our waiter had a shirt on that said "Freddie's Little Beaver". His name, or nickname, was Beaver. I loved this guy....why are all the great men gay?? He was so funny and entertaining. I want my Freddie's t-shirt to say "I love Beaver!"! We were picking on him and laughing with him and he was so quick witted, he gave us plenty back. Stacy spilled a full glass of ice water on me and he said "she made you wet at Freddie's...you got wet at Freddie's!". The guy was a hoot! We also had a lovely 21 year old named Kelley join our table. She was at the table behind us. Her friends left and she still had a drink to finish. Somehow she ended up at our table. She was like Paris Hilton, only with dark hair and tolerable. She kept us entertained for a while. She kept getting getting phone calls and never knew her phone was ringing...it was on vibrate. The whole table would vibrate...she was so clueless. Anyway, one phone call she gets and we see the screen. It says the caller is "jail". Come to find out, her boyfriend is in jail (his second stint) and he is calling her. Now, I don't know much about jail, but how can you call a cell phone from jail, have the same number that you call from in jail - so much so that it can be programmed into a phone, and call that many times that someone does have your number from jail??? Beyond me. 3 squares a day, tv and phone privileges??? Where is the punishment in that?? I usually don't get that on any given day...not to mention a hot girlfriend that I can call. Life is so unfair! LOL!!

I actually felt like playing with paper this weekend. I spent all weekend with Sylvia and we played a little. Her husband loves it when I come to visit. We make a mess, stay up late, and laugh the whole time. So much fun. I have had a couple of these desk organizers for a while. I finally decorated them....totally girly. Sylvia just had to have one to decorate, so we had to drive all the way across Houston to get one. Spent most of Sunday doing that! Saturday we went to the movies...Live Free and Die with a Vengence (or whatever the new Die Hard movie is called). It actually was pretty entertaining. Nothing life changing or a movie to cause you to think. Just action and stuff getting blown up. I am sure the people in the theatre hated me. Every time something was blown up or someone died, I would cover my eyes with one of my arms, lift one of my legs, and say "Oh Damn" or "Ohhhh". Totally irritating, I am sure! That is okay....we went to see it in Galveston. Everyone was out on the beach, except for the 6 of us in the movie theatre!

What's Up?

Where have I been? Again, forever since I posted. This is a picture from gay pride a few weekends ago in Austin. This is also Stacy and Stephanie. We decided to be funny and wear custom t-shirts. I made the t-shirts. Stacy's says "Main Gay" and Stephanie and I have shirts that say "Proud of my Gay". It was really probably pretty dorky, but it was fun. We went out to a gay bar, of course, to celebrate. All the other people were groomed and smelling good. We stuck out like sore thumbs. I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I have a tendency to fall. I fell right in the middle of the bar and took out 4 lesbians. Thought I was going to get my ass kicked. They were all very nice and gracious, made sure I was okay. I was, but my knee has hurt since the tumble. No stitches this time, though.